The real Harry potter
by oneeye711
Summary: an insane first go at fan fics. i was getting annoyed, so i captured harry potter & co. to see what theyre really like...
1. welcome to my room

Disclaimer: I do not own any harry potter characters.  
  
And please dont get me wrong, I LOVE harry potter books and everything about it, this is just a SLIGHT exaggeration. EXAGGERATION. Sorry, just incase people didn't read it, I still wanted them to see that I was an exaggeration. And a joke. I'm bored.  
  
::when typing is in these colons, it is my spoken narration::  
  
  
  
when its in italics, its actions while speaking  
  
THE REAL HARRY POTTER  
  
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::I was desperately reading; flipping the pages, sweat dripping down my face. I couldnt simply sit there and get more and more brainwashed by these stories.::  
  
::I had to investigate. what could I do? I needed to know the real, true Harry Potter & co. There was no way a guy of fifteen could be so temperamental and idiotic about girls. Ron simply couldnt be so ruthlessly mean. Hermione couldnt possibly be so obsessed with her schoolwork and "Hogwarts: a history." Not all of the Slytherins could be such asses. There was no way Dumbledore was so all-knowing, and no way Percy could be such a prude dick, I mean cmon, hes a teenage guy, the dick part is right, but a prude teenage guy is just not sane. And none of the characters above could need so many dung bombs, getting them every chance they get.::  
  
::So I went to Hogwarts an' took them, I did. I needed to see this with my own eyes. Normal teenagers these were not. I just had to------::  
  
"Fucking get on with it, weve been sitting in your room for long enough." Percy said in a most annoyed tone.  
  
  
  
Emily- you're supposed to be in play-format, like this!  
  
"Ill speak whichever way I want, bitch, Im a fucking prefect, head boy even, goddamit." Percy replied.  
  
Emily- now getting pretty pissed- oh, no you will NOT, sir. I am the creator of this fanfic and you will do what youre told!  
  
Percy- mutters almost inaudibly- fucking.kjfdkjfsdfk. wont take this shit. bitch.akdkdjfhgidf.  
  
Emily- In a considerably better mood. -now on with it!  
  
Ginny- whining most annoyingly- what the hell are we doing here!?! Why do you have an American accent!?! Why did you say 'fanfic'!?! wheres Ron!?! Why wouldnt harry have sex with me!?! Why wont anyone have sex with me!?! Why did Voldemort try to kill me in 6th grade!?! Wheres my mom!?! I WANT FOOD-AHH!!  
  
Emily- goodness, fucking shut up.  
  
Ginny- why are you so mean!?! What is th-  
  
Emily- YOULL DO WHAT I WANT! Sheesh, you're a year younger than me and bitchin at me all at once..  
  
  
  
Emily- where have you been?  
  
Ginny- in a bitchy voice- ya, ROOOON!  
  
Ron- in a quite timid voice, while twisting his fingers in his hands- s-s- sorry guys, I was in the b-b-bathroom.  
  
Harry- oh, ok. Ya, I was wondering where you were. But now that I think of it, Emily, why are all of us here?  
  
Emily- well, you see, harry, I wanted to get to know you all, besides what it says in the book, because the way you all act there is just not normal. I dont think theyre your true selves, so I took you here to find the true you.  
  
Harry- well that is mostly accurate, actually. In the book, I am overly ridiculous when it comes to girls, but in reality I quite don't notice them.  
  
Ginny- well trust me, harry-boy -eyeing him provocatively- girls sure notice you. -licks her lips-  
  
Percy- -in an almost inaudible voice-not only girls, mind you.  
  
Fred- well you cant expect that Rowling character to get us dead on can you?  
  
George- ya, I mean, sure she like stalks us, but who can blame her, look at me!  
  
Fred- looking disgusted- dont flatter yourself.  
  
George- psha!  
  
::I was already discovering things about the characters that nobody else knows, or will ever know.::  
  
Harry- whats that supposed to mean?  
  
Emily- oh, I'm just saying that Im the only one genius enough to know how to get you guys. It was quite difficult, you know. You only know half of it, actually. Here is a brief recap of my capturing of you:  
  
Wait until my next chapter is up. Im almost done with it, but decided to make it a separate chapter cuz I thought it was getting kinda long. So just wait like a half hour maybe. 


	2. capturing the hogwartians

::So there I was, Platform 9 ¾, waiting for the Hogwarts express. Pen in hand, collar up, hat on; there was no way anyone would notice me. Er. except someone did. "hey you there! What're y' doin'?"  
  
I knew this man from the books: seven feet tall, burly, thick hair and beard. It was Rubeus Hagrid.  
  
"umm, uhh, im the new. defense against the dark arts teacher. right ya." I stuttered  
  
"Ohh! Mrs. Nuffleberry! How are ya? You can jus' get yerself a compartment there! I've gotta run, but 'ave a nice trip, eh?"  
  
And he was gone. 'that was a close one' I thought.  
  
So I boarded the train and took a seat. I also took a leaf out of Lupin's book and pretended to be asleep, so that harry & co. might sit with me. And what luck I did have! In came Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  
  
"Who's that?" said Harry.  
  
"I dunno, maybe the new DADA teacher!"  
  
"She looks a bit young for that, Ron. I don't think she's out of high school!"  
  
"Maybe she's a new student!" said Ron excitedly. "wait, do we take new students at Hogwarts?"  
  
"Wonder what house she'll be in." said Harry.  
  
So I opened my eyes and saw everyone was looking at me.  
  
"Uh. hey." I said, rather dryly  
  
"And who are you?" Hermione said, strangely not in an English accent.  
  
"er-um-I-uh-I'm a new student," I lied, clumsily. "I'm a transfer student from Salem Academy in America."  
  
"Oh, wow! I heard that was a really cool school!" Harry said.  
  
"I heard it was really into the Dark Arts." Ron shivered.  
  
"Oh don't be a dipshit, Ron, that rumor's been around forever. Even I know that, being closed off by my aunt and uncle and all." Harry replied.  
  
"Well I wouldn't know I've never been to America." Hermione interjected quickly.  
  
Neville opened the door and said,  
  
"Yo, we're nearly there, aight? All y'all bizzatches betta get 'cho robes on"  
  
He appeared to be wearing under his robes a "LA Lakers" jersey and some iced out bling bling.  
WTF?!?!?!? I thought to myself.  
"Who's this?" He asked.  
"We were just finding out, actually." Harry said, turning to me.  
  
"I'm Furusia Clarke, I'm gonna be a sophomore next year as a transfer student from America," I lied, using my cat's name (fuh-ROO-sha).  
  
"That's a bit odd, don't you think? We've never gotten transfer students before." Ron wondered aloud.  
  
Ignoring Ron's comment, Hermoine said, "I'm Hermione Granger; this is Ron Weasley," pointing to Ron, "Harry Potter," pointing to Harry, and pausing for my reaction, which was nothing. "and Neville Longbottom." pointing to Neville, who gave me a nod.  
  
Just then, Malfoy, with his toadies by his side, walked into the door, carrying his robes, snickered and said,  
  
"Hey dorks, who's the newbie and how can I make her feel at home?"  
  
But before any of the Gryffindors could have a go at him, Percy walked in and said,  
  
"I'm a prefect, dickwad, now move your ass outa this compartment."  
  
When Malfoy began to protest, Percy got all up in his face and was like:  
  
"RESPECT MAH ATHORITAHH!" shoving both Head Boy and Prefect badges in his face.  
  
Malfoy's comeback was snapping from side to side and saying:  
  
"Oh, don't go there, girlfriend, I'm Voldemorts bitch, nevermind this Prefect and Head Boy crap. Well now that I think of it, Voldie does call me "Head Boy," but that's totally different.."  
  
The Gryffindors and I stared at Malfoy in disbelief while his words staggered to a silence.  
  
He then turned on his heel and flung his robes, which had rainbow silk lining, over his shoulder, as if he were a male model. But before he could step any further, I jumped between him and the door and said:  
  
"Not so fast, Malfoy!"  
  
"But he didn't tell you his-" Ron began  
  
"Quiet, foo!"  
  
"You cant do thi-"  
  
"uupp!"  
  
"But how-"  
  
"ASLDKFAFG!!!!!"  
  
"But---!!"  
  
"HABILOCOMASHINACTORIZEACOCK!!!!"  
  
Then everyone just kinda stared, all confuzzled at what the hell I was doing/saying. Crabbe and Goyle were so confused, in fact, that their meager minds simply could not take it, and thus they died. Then they disappeared (A/N: I didn't want to deal with them and I have the power!).  
  
"What the hell is going on?" Hermione said, dully.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" I said. "I've got you all right where I want you."  
  
"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" Percy said deprecatingly.  
  
"All in good time, Percy Wercy. All in good time." I said with a devious glint in my eye.  
  
Ron was sitting there, staring at us all, and I thought he was dead until he said monotonously,  
  
"You're gonna kill us aren't you? Just like Crabbe and Goyle."  
  
"Well it would be harder to confuse you to death, Ron, darling, but I don't think I will, unless you get too unmanageable."  
  
"I got you- to- saaave me" Hermione was singing.  
  
"why the hell are you singing Van Morrison?"  
  
"I'm cool, why the hell else?" she said, and continued singing.  
  
Just then, everyone in the room, save Harry, started yelling at me, for god knows what reason. Hermione was simply shouting lyrics, however, but the rest of the lot were talking about all these spells and shit. Eh. Then Harry shot red sparks in the air and patiently said:  
  
"Instead of rashly yelling at Furusia,  
  
"Why are you bringing my cat into this?" I asked quietly, forgetting that I had pretended she was me.  
  
"why don't we calmly ask her why she is keeping us hostage? No need to fuss."  
  
Everyone looked at him as if he were insane. But before anything else could happen, I jumped in the air and clicked my feet together twice, licked my elbow and we appeared in my room, which was a bit of a tight squeeze.  
  
Next Chapter coming soon!  
  
Ps I hope this isn't too bad, its my first fanfic, ever. 


End file.
